Hi Guys! Nice to have another opportunity to post some words in my blog. Unfortunately, today's content is about my insecurities that have been risen lately. My purpose in posting this kind of content is because I want to let you guys know that you're not the only one who has insecurities issues and maybe if you don't, I'll remind you that insecurities do exist and some people struggling for me, for instance, me.

Back then in my junior-senior high school, I remember that I didn't concern much about this issue since I had quite confidence and I really loved my self. And then, at the beginning of my college year, I was still safe from these issues knowing that people surround me (with the same major as me) haven't really show their skills and creativity (my humph), it was still the start indeed. Therefore, at that time my confidence was still well-maintained and I was grateful to have great friends. But, well, the time goes by, the real-life of a college student has begun, me, who I thought I was (pretty) genius and did very great to be able accepted in Gadjah Mada University, this problem (insecurities issue) then started to hit me.

But, how? You Guys may be curious, or not. Honestly, I am so sad. It's so sad that every time I'm thinking hard about this, my tears forced to fall and run down on my cheeks. Yass, I didn't realize this is quite serious. 

I know that my self-happiness is a priority. But there will always thing that distracts me to focus only on my self and it is because I start to meet many people. I think this all begin since the event and the organization started to recruit some active students to become the official staff/committee. Just to let you know first, I am the type who likes to be a social butterfly and basically, I'm not an introvert. I like to socialize and meet people, gaining plenty of experience, and enjoying all my busy life. Attending class and then straight going home when it's time, in my opinion, and what I feel, is very boring. I'm pretty sure some of you also agree with me. Then, I and some of my friends decided to participate in one of the open recruitment event conducted by several campus organizations also event. Sadly, I was failed my first try to become the student council staff of my social and political faculty (DEMA Fisipol). And that's really hit me hard. Then, I'm not giving up. In my second try, I finally passed (became the volunteer of my event major - communication department - called Ajisaka). It is not the official staff, but it's not bad for me to be their volunteer. And again, I failed the third one (to be part of the committee of an event called JOINMUN). Yes well, on the night after the announcement I truly cried, disappointed in me, and blamed myself for not trying hard. Still keep trying, and fortunately, I passed my fourth try. Finally, I became part of the DEMA organization where I failed my first try, and now I am part of campus advocacy.

Umm.. You Guys may think this is nothing. Afa, you still passed in some of the interviews, right? Ya, I am very grateful tho. But... I have these besties that I know they never failed to join this kind of recruitment. I'm not being jealous, I do proud of them however, could not avoid that I am sad at the same time. Why I can't be like them? The sorrow comes to my thought that I'm a stupid one compared to them. It feels so real that sometimes I feel humiliated by them -  which I know (if I'm not mistaken, hopefully) they don't intend to. Like for example, when there is prestigious recruitment, they didn't invite me to join. Some of my friends who feel have the qualifications, they invite each other except me. I feel like I'm the only one who struggles. Therefore, the more here I feel that I am not qualified enough. I feel like people do not see any potential in me, contrary to what I always feel that I do have in me. And, I used to have the spirit to be an active student on campus. Am I the only one who thinks this is like a competition? Perhaps, this issue is just between me and my thought, but I'm not sure. I can't deal with this on my own at the moment, but don't worry.. I will always be trying very hard to. I just want to tell you guys that build a strong connection with people out there is important. Because later on, you may no longer need to struggle much to do whatever you want to develop your self. It is because people recognize your existence and they have seeing you competency. They might start to be putting trust in you and they will find you when they need it.

Okay, yup. I think it's pretty much that's all. I hope I will be better soon. Thank you for willing to read these useless words(?) I hope you Guys always live a happy life and full of confidence, unlike me. But well, wish me luck:) I believe time will get me better soon or later, see you on my next post!<3

 ray said...

I don't see these words as useless. No one is perfect and all have their very own insecurities. I hope you're okay now.

 

 Shafa Afa said...

OMG THANK YOUU!!1!1 Now I'm totally okay, things are getting better day by day.. i should have just be patient and wait till the suit time comes (they will). Hope you always have a nice day<3

 

 ray said...

That is good to hear. It's okay to not be okay but be sure to get back up again alright.
Yep, that time will come sooner or later. Whatever happens, try your best to stay positive.
Thank you so much. I hope will too ^^

 

 Tqa London said...

I know how you feel because like you, I'm an introvert too.
At school and when I'm outside, I wish I was like all my other friends who doesn't mind speaking up and make the first move in everything
I'm glad to know that I'm not alone.

 

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